A few weeks ago, I (Nikki) shared about my trepidation about my upcoming studies. With only a few days to go until my course commences, I thought I would divulge how I have been feeling since and more importantly, how I have been dealing with it.
Over the weekend, I found myself experiencing some familiar thoughts, emotions, and sensations from my uni days. Feelings of worry, concern, nervousness, exhaustion, sadness, and frustration. Thoughts of “Why did I sign up for this course”, “I hate feeling this way”, etc. I spent a good few hours down in the rabbit hole identified with those thoughts, emotions, and sensations; Trapped by the illusion that they somehow defined me and that they were settling in permanently for the next 16 months of study.
That was until I had a sudden moment of clarity and insight. I realised that so much of my energy was being consumed by fighting my experience….rejecting, blaming, defending, denying. What if I could let go of all that? What if I could accept that everything in this moment is exactly as it’s supposed to be simply because it’s happening right now in this moment? What if I did the unthinkable and actually chose to be having the experience right now (radical acceptance as we like to call it)? And finally, what if I just felt the emotions as mere physical sensations in my body that were transient and thus would soon pass. So I tried all that on and just like that, it felt as if I had suddenly been let off the hook. And before I knew it, the emotions and sensations had quietly slipped away as inconspicuously as they had arrived.
In short, I have moments of fear, confusion, and insecurity and moments of calm, clarity, and confidence. Regardless, I am propelled forward by my life purpose and vision for the world. And what echoes is a beautiful sentiment that a good friend and mentor of mine shared with me by Heraclitus: “No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it’s not the same river and he’s not the same man”.