This week marks a huge shift in our baby-making mindset. To bring those up to speed who don’t already know, Kevin and I (Nikki) have been trying to have a baby for more than 2.5 years. And as we have come to realise this week, therein lies the problem. We have been ‘trying’ to have a baby. Trying…really, really hard. The issue is, there is so much effort involved in trying. Physical, mental, emotional. In fact, so much of our day has been consumed with trying. For example, until now my daily routine has involved waking up, taking my temperature, testing my LH level, taking thyroid medication, waiting two hours, eating breakfast, measuring out my Chinese herbal tinctures, and downing a bunch of herbal capsules with the mixture (which tastes horrible). Then I’d repeat the herb process again in the evening. In the last year, we’ve been told countless times to stop being so attached, to stop being so ‘desperate’. We’ve never quite understood though, how does one stop being attached to something when so much of their physical and mental energy is dedicated to making it happen every day?
This week, we have decided to start a new chapter in our book and discover the true art of surrender. In the west, we define surrender as giving up, being defeated, submitting to an authority. It has negative connotations, it’s perceived as weak and as a failure. However, most eastern philosophies mention this notion of surrender so it mustn’t be all bad. Yet what does it mean to truly surrender? And most importantly – how does it feel?
The nature if our mind/ego, is that it tries to control everything we come into contact with in an attempt to keep us safe and happy. It constantly comes up with strategies in order to have more of the experiences we do want and less of the experiences we don’t want. When indeed we are faced with a situation that we don’t want, our mind goes into ‘overdrive’ so to speak. It tries desperately to manoeuvre its way out, to fight/reject/change what is in an attempt to obtain what isn’t. The issue is, this struggle is exhausting. It utilises a LOT of energy. Put simply, it’s just not sustainable.
Enter: the state of surrender. Surrender begins where all other strategies end. It is the absence of strategies. It is something that happens when it no longer can’t happen. It is a state that naturally emerges when we completely, wholeheartedly, accept that we are not in control. We don’t know the answers. No matter how much we try to fix it, fight it, or forget it. We can’t make reality different to what it is. It’s just not up to us. And it is in this utter acceptance that something beautiful happens. We witness an inner softening. A ‘letting go’ from the deepest part of ourselves. We allow whatever to be, to be. And we know in our hearts that it is right and perfect, because that is how it is. And with this inner softening, and this letting go, we expose the raw, naked, ever-present now. We drop into an experience of the present moment like we never have before. For we come to realise, experientially, that it is all we have, and it is all that matters. So best we enjoy it!
In this way, we have finally surrendered. We have stopped ‘trying’. We have let go of control. And we are truly basking in the freedom, relief, and joy that this acceptance brings as we calmly await our future children.